Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A dedication to my favorite dickweed OR How to survive 5 days with my Uncle Judy

After much deliberation and forethought, I decided that the best and most productive manner by which to detail my experience this past weekend at Fallen Leaf Lake with my Uncle Geoff was by way of audio and visual displays. I feel that this is the most effective way to get my point across. My point being that, not only is my Uncle one of the most insane people on record, but he is also one most entertaining, insightful, and lovable persons I know. In other words, my adoration for my uncle is only outweighed by my fear of him...

Before we could even get to the lake we had to make a much deserved stop in the city at the Elbo Room. Geoff taught all of us that you REALLY can text someone's landline. Your cell company will text you back and say "this is a landline, would you like to send a message to this number for 25 cents?" I think Geoff texted his sister to remind her that she's a dickweed.

Our latest album cover...The Talking D-weeds.

#1 in a long (or is it short?) list of Geoff's favorite things to do when it's too cold to go swimming....

Note that Geoff left for Stella when Grace and him headed to the lake the morning before Stella and I says "Bye Stella: We need to talk, I'll call you from the lake."

I never knew I was a dickweed until this past week. Dickweed is clearly Geoff's all-time favorite word. According to Geoff; Grace is a dickweed, Pete is a dickweed, my mom is a dickweed, I am a dickweed, and Stella is a dickweed. Stella is most certainly the biggest dickweed of them all. But that is only because she broke Geoff's heart (more on that later).

The second of Geoff's 3 favorite activities...I'm not sure how many birds he'll see with his binocs points in such a direction. They'll probably see him first.

Here is a photo that I thought very representative of Geoff and Stella's relationship. Geoff, sitting in the shadows, staring longingly at Stella who refuses to even look at him. Things got off to a rocky start between the two of them from day one.

An entire family of dickweeds...

Last but not least on the favorite activities list.

"In light of the quality of your oeuvre, I am temporarily suspending your moniker - dickweed, pending future dubious, problematic activity on your part which of course is inevitable, you dickweed!!!! I'm pissed, I'm Judy, I shoot cats from helicopters!!!!!"
-Recent email message from the undersigned (I have no comment, I don't even understand half of these words)

Uncle Geoff, although you have not authorized any of the materials I have made publicly available (and you are a lawyer, so that could be a mistake on my part). I hope you've enjoyed this tribute to your person as much as I enjoy your endless antics.

Tank of gas to get to fallen leaf lake....$55

Stocking up with fruit, veggies and frosted flakes at Raley's...$97

Trying to fall asleep in the same room as your cousin Grace and your dickweed Uncle who is in his sleeping bag on the floor sending both of you texts that say "goodnite d-weeds".....Priceless

With much chagrin,




A sidenote from UJ's sister who is currently missing, and at-large:

When Uncle Judy was about 7, his sister, J, now living in the Columbia Gorge, and at the time, about 3 and a half years younger than UJ and sadly, sharing a room, resented the fact that UJ got up earlier in the morning to got to school (he was later expelled). In an attempt to prevent him from rising the next morning, she piled all (ALL) of her toys on top of him one night, in the middle of the night. It was the beginning of UJ's lifelong struggle with mental confusion, for which he is so benignly and lovingly known. For J, it was an early realization that strange behavior could reap untold rewards, whilst going largely unnoticed in the SFS.*
*Stearns Family System

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The amount of friends I have is only outweighed by the number 5 OR We should probably refer to the literature OR When good things happen to bad people

It's been a whirlwind of a week I must say. What with the alien abduction and subsequent return of my person to the earth and all. Just when I thought things couldn't get any crazier, they did. Because I am too lazy right now to write in paragraphs the following blog will be a bulleted list of important points or events that I felt the need to discuss.

  • I'd like to start this off by saying, the stealing of my camper shell off of my truck has affected me both emotionally and spiritually. I'm really not ready to talk about it yet. Please see attached flyer and distribute amongst the community at large.
  • Nextly, a few nights ago I may or may not have had a bit of champagne to drink. The result of this was a flurry of drunk texting and dialing. Sorry about that call mom. I just REALLY needed to know if that was Sandy Koufax in that old picture of you. I also sent a blank text message to my dad's home phone number. I'm not sure if he got it. It was really important though.
  • Furthermore, I've joined an internet dating service called ok-cupid. I'm not really sure what I was thinking. Maybe I just haven't had time yet to have that internal monologue that should sound like this: "Trex, what the hell are you thinking?" It's been pretty funny so far. Lots of potential for awkwardness. And we all know I deserve 5 stars for awkwardness. In case you think we might be a good match you can check out my profile... ( When I view my own profile it tells me that I am an 89% match to myself.
  • I met this awesome person yesterday...a friend of a friend of a friend (FOAF). The original friend being someone who I'm not really contacting anymore. Anyway, I was at this brunch thing in the city for Dania's birthday (HBDD!) and talking to some people when this guy came up to me to tell me that I looked really familiar. I was so happy to hear that from someone because I'm always hearing from people that I look really unfamiliar (even from people I know pretty well). But we chatted for a bit and, it turns out we didn't actually know each other in a familiar way. After he left, the awesome FOAF guy was making fun of the conversation I had just had with the other familiarity guy (is this making too much sense?). He came up with the best line EVER...."You look just like a girl I kind of want to sleep with." I'm definitely using that one. It should probably be somehow incorporated into my online dating profile. I'm sure that would attract some really top-notch gentlemen.
  • I'd now like to direct your attention to a different topic. I recently was speaking with my lovely Mexican cousin Graciela. She informed me that she will be visiting me, along with her father Uncle Judy, this coming Tuesday. My excitement for Uncle Geoff to be hanging out with me in Berkeley is only outweighed by innate ability to juggle. I hope he says "dickweed" more than once.
  • In further news, I would like to cordially and precipitously invite everyone to the 2008 Checker's Chunks Chase Birthday Bash (C x 3, B x 2). This will be held at my abode in Berkeley tomorrow at noon. I would come down to Santa Barbara, but it's more convenient for me if everyone could just drive up here in the morning. You should probably plan to leave around 6AM. We will be eating raw dog food and fake plastic vegetables for lunch. Also, everyone will have their own bowl of water. We'll play a really fun game called "Stella Chewing on Checker's Paw." This reminds me of the three little pigs video when Pete tells Grace (in a moment of some of the most brilliant childhood acting I've ever seen).."You better not be lying to me or I'm gonna come back here and chew on your face." This, in turn, reminds me of the book I've always wanted to write: "Living in Fear of My Brother and his Baby Blue Scooter - The Grace Stearns Story." The sequel would be about me..."Living in the Crack Between Grace's Bed and the Wall."
  • Lastly, it was discovered by myself today (after a 14-month deleterious investigation) that my roommate Ramsey Wright Penn (no relation to Sean) has an uncle (named CIII...maybe he's also a robot?) that went to Crane school with my beloved mother. How's that for the alignment of the stars. Mother Chase (no relation to Mother Jones) also related to me that she knew Ramsey's grandmother as well. What a small, shaded world we live in. Unless you live on my street which isn't exactly what you would call "tree-lined." I do hope to live on a tree-lined street someday. Also, I want a Viking Stove.
  • Annie, I'm really sorry but I accidentally severed my right leg and left it in your bathroom. My bad.
Over the bridge to nowhere you will find a dead moose and a cop that tazered his stepson "because he asked me to," also some books that nobody would have read anyway.

I bid you adieu.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

Mom, I've been abducted by aliens, please call Sarah Pallin

She'll know what to do. She always does in situations like this.

Apparently my ass (on account of its ever increasing froot loop induced size) decided to drunk dial my mom while I was riding my bike to school today. My buttocks was only able to leave a garbled message to said mother and apparently it was somewhere along the lines of "We have your daughter, we haven't hurt her...yet. We demand 24 dollars, payable to our B of A account. You have 7 hours." I, of course, was the last to know about my purported kidnapping, brought to my attention after my venerable mother left 2 frantic messages saying "honey, i think you've been abducted, i hope you're okay, call me back when you get a chance and let me know if there's anything I can do in terms of a ransom. Also, I forwarded your car insurance bill to your house."

Quite touching really.

It turns out the whole incident this afternoon was just a ruse. I wasn't actually kidnapped this afternoon by fictitious Berkeley hooligans. But, in a completely random and unrelated occurrence, I WAS abducted by aliens about an hour ago. I don't really know what to do at this point, I've been confined to a small holding cell with D.B. Sweeney. It's been pretty scary so far. They made me take the picture that I've included...I think they are trying to brainwashing me into thinking I am one of them. I won't give in. Luckily, they've allowed me to bring my mac and they have pretty good wireless up here. It actually might be a good thing because I've really been procrastinating with my school work, so maybe I'll get some done up here. Although, blogging seems to be a fairly effective distraction.

I'll keep everyone posted if I find anything out about when I might get released. I'm not sure what the logistics of that will be, but I'm hoping, at the least, they'll provide me with a parachute and a compass.