Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Dear Sir, in response to your blog...(aka, this answers so many questions)

The below post has hurt me in so many ways but also explains a lot to me about how I’m actually viewed by the outside world. I thought that my past campaigns to end prejudice against the dinosaurs still living within the confines of the U.S. borders had successfully put a stop to any anti-dinosaur sentiments still lingering in the lay community. As you have just read, however, I couldn’t be more wrong.

I would like to embark on a journey with you to explore some of the reasons why dating me may or may not be a dangerous (if not life-threatening) game. I would like to present some truths that I once held about myself (until reading the above blog 20 minutes ago) that have since been entirely negated by this propaganda campaign that was so obviously directed at me and my ‘dating life’.

[A prerequisite blog post for the following blog post can be found at this link:]

Before I begin, however, I feel the need to set the record straight. I just want to say that I’ve NEVER won best costume (probably because of the nonchalant attitude I always take towards Halloween that almost certainly turns to panic and distress on October 31st and leads to an expensive day-of-the-holiday trip to American apparel), I absolutely adore taking funny photo booth photos (rarely with blood on my face), my current unpaid internship would never pay for a trip to Tokyo, and my poor hand-holding skills are the result of a previous wrist injury and not due to my outlandish height. I’ll admit, the part about being bad at talking about my feelings is true but we can all agree that asteroids were a thing of the past.

Now that that’s out of the way, I will now attempt to discuss those “truths that I once held about myself:”

Part A: Superficial reasons why I think I’m still single:

1. I don’t have the best track record when it comes to personal hygiene (in other words, I’m this generations’ [person] in a van down by the river)

2. I have professional training at the graduate level but practical experience at the hostess level.

3. My nose to face ratio is about 3:1.

4. I talk a lot a game when it comes to my basketball skills and my desires to go backpacking but rarely walk the walk.

5. I’ve never successfully climbed up a rope using my arm strength only.

6. I unintentionally try to be as awkward as possible when I first meet someone that I potentially may or may not like (how’s that for a noncommittal sentence...speaking of noncommittal...see below)

Part B: Emotional and/or abstract reasons why I’m still single and/or want to be single:

1. I can up and fly to a paleontology conference in Southern Montana on a whim without having to break plans with my ‘parnter’ (nothing beats the look on those archeologists’ faces when a 30 foot tyrannosaur strolls into the room).

2. I don’t have to explain to a significant other why I’m tired today because I was up all night last night nursing a bottle of glenlivet, watching episode after episode of true blood, and eating only the streusel topping part off the coffee cake I just made earlier that evening.

3. On a scale of 1 to emotionally mature I’m about a 2.5.

4. The relationship models in my family leave something to be desired.

5. I once had a private blog with myself (you’ll know what that means) entitled: “You know you had a crappy ex-boyfriend when...” ('ve had a burrito thrown at your head for no apparent reason, etc.”

6. In my opinion, my single status is entirely appropriate whilst I’m still recovering from aforementioned “unmentionable” past occurrences (see #5).

7. I love taking physical risks (e.g. bare-foot puddle jumping in murky ponds of an unknown depth) but I’m totally terrified of taking risks that might leave me feeling emotionally vulnerable.

In conclusion...(aka, enough already!)
Before reading the now notorious ‘mingle2’ blog I had deluded myself into thinking (with the help of weeks of intensive psychotherapy) that it’s important to spend time figuring out the you in who you are before letting yourself depend on another person (and vice-versa). (Apparently I’m a school-obsessed pseudo-alcoholic with a love/hate relationship with my dog and an unhealthy obsession with the people that are obsessed with finding extraterrestrial life (e.g. SETI...look it up, it’s amazing). And hey, it’s only taken me 3.5 years of alone time to figure that shit out.

I have spent so much time convincing myself of the reasons why the above reasons are valid explanations as to why I am a GF with no BF when in actuality this anti-Trex blog has been circulating for over two years with an untold readership completely unbeknownst to yours truly. All those times I met someone new and excitedly said; “Hey I’m Trex but some people call me Tracy” instead of thinking to themselves “hmm, well that’s interesting. A dinosaur! I’ve never met a dinosaur but would really like to get to know her for who she is and not what she is” they were actually thinking about the 9 reasons they shouldn’t date me. How’s that for a glass dating ceiling.

And so, the moral of this incredibly long-winded blog is...
If you too are a long time singler (LTS) that’s ready to get back into the dating game (DG*)...stop wasting your time with self-reflection mumbo jumbo or half-hearted attempts at improving your interpersonal skills and instead spend at least 4-5 hours a day sitting on your laptop scouring the internet for over-generalized blog posts that are possibly directed at a person of your similar stature. Only then will you be able to move on and a find true happiness.

Trex (and proud to be one)

*not to be confused with the popular Santa Barbara coffee shop the Daily Grind. Although, based on the amount of attractive, pseudo-hipster, and yet possibly single people that frequent this establishment (unless, of course they forgot to bring any cash) it is a possible conduit for your return the dating game