I Love Lamp

Alternate titles:
"Back on top of the world: the story of how a little dinosaur transcends all of her self-proclaimed 'new lows'"

"My tongue is orange because of all the cheetoes (that's what she said)"

"If I'm unable to find a real human/dinosaur boyfriend I will consider looking into common household appliances"


P.S. Sean Penn gets a shout-out for his Oscar acceptance speech (even though I still can't fully accept the gays)

The Only Thing Worse than Nic Cage in National Treasure 2 is...

attempting to put on your socks after you've already put on your pants that have become too tight because you're "in school again."

It's sad when you get to the point of needing a step-stool just to get dressed. But not as sad as Nic Cage's hair...



Go ahead and start shortening my name to Tra when referring to me in an informal situation.
Tracy is just too long. (I think what I would normally say next goes without saying).

You Know You've Hit A New Low, Part Deux

This blog is, in no way, a rip off of Hot Shots, Part Deux...a truly excellent movie. Although, not quite as good Gigli.

Some quick updates before we get into the real meat (that's what she said) of today's topic.
1. I've recently discovered that I'm a sleep-typer (I'm completely passed out writing this right now)...if you try to wake me up, there will likely be a struggle.
2. I just saw the movie "Taken" starring Liam Neeson. It's about as believable as Die Hard (with a Vengeance). Fucking Pete and Grace, I wish you guys would just let me and Annie enjoy movies without making fun of us. We're just imaginative people, that's all.
3. I just joined the Cal Triathlon club...I'll send you a sticker. And a green hat.
4. I'm learning how to ride the bus to school.
5. Stella has yet to find a job.

Now back to the topic of the hour...
You know you've hit a new low when you realize that you are 24 years old, hanging out at a FRAT HOUSE, and taking turns with your friend on the ab cruncher machine thing to see who can do more leg lifts.

Furthermore and unfortunately, I'm lacking any photo documentation of what I decided to eat this night. Let me put it this way, I haven't eaten meat or cheese** for the past 3 weeks EXCEPT for last friday night...1 BLT, 1 butter lemon and sugar crepe, 1 cheeseburger, 4 chicken mcnuggets, and an apple pie.

I'd like to nominate myself for the prestigious D-Bag of the week award.

**Please don't ask me why...it's not because I like animals. I f-ing hate animals actually. Especially yaks and the common household pet rat. And let's not forget that certain un-employed dog of mine. The only animal worth my time is a special peacock friend of mine named Roepert. Is a bird even an animal though?


Well, I would say "I should probably go to bed" but I'm already asleep (perhaps sleep-typing is one of the side effects of ny-quil?). P.S. I take ny-quil recreationaly now.

GN

Some Earlier Experiments in Writing...

While cleaning out my mother's garage I recently came across some fictional novels that I wrote when I was in third grade. I found some really beautiful stories and old poetry. One of which, entitled "Coming Back Again," I would like to share with you today...

BEGIN TRANSCRIPTION (fortunately, I'm a scribe, so I just did this transcription on my own):

Sixteen years ago a bridge collapsed and fifteen-hundred people went with it. Two hundred people survived...

Thirteen hundred people were found dead! They found all of the bodies except one. She was a 25 year old girl. Her name was Grace Stearns. One day a young lady named Tracy was rowing on the very same lake that Grace was in, Tracy fell in!

Tracy saw the body of Grace and tried to scream. Then Grace's body started glowing and pulled Tracy towards her. Tracy could not stand the force...she tried to swim out of the water but her insides came out. Then Grace ate Tracy. Then Grace swam to the surface and for the rest of Grace's life, Tracy would haunt her dreams. One night Tracy made the dream come true and killed Grace. The end.

END TRANSCRIPTION

Wow! What I great story! I'm not really sure if this was reflective with my relationship with Grace at the time. Grace, if it's any consolation I no longer want you dead.

I found another journal from later in the same year in which my teacher wrote me a note saying that my next story was not allowed to be so violent or graphic. Apparently it was becoming somewhat of a trend for me.

Well, I'll leave you with the following maxim: "A child that is violent in their youth can often grow into a god-fearing woman, just like Tracy Chase."

Until we meet again.

You Know You've Hit a Knew Low When...

you're alone in Barnes and Nobles in the middle of the afternoon reading a book and some little kid walks by with his dad and turns to his dad and says "that girl looks drunk."

I Hated Magic Before it Was Cool

[Disclaimer: I’ve been asked by the BBC to write a series of articles that have little to relevance or importance to the modern day world. This is the first entry in a 6-part series.]



Let’s look back in time for a moment. A happier time when people were not afraid to be themselves. When people were not filled with hatred for something they just didn’t understand.

Do you remember these classic lyrics to the popular 1965 Lovin Spoonful song hit:

'Yeah, do you believe in magic
Yeah, believe in the magic of a young girl's soul
Believe in the magic of rock and roll
Believe in the magic that can set you free'

Now, let’s walk forward in time again and contrast that with the following more recent Sunset Rubdown lyrics:

'Was it magic or Midas that touched you?
And by magic, I mean “trickery.” And by Midas, I mean “faith.”
By magic, I mean “trickery.” And by Midas, I mean “faith.”

What does this mean, Spencer Krug….By magic you mean “TRICKERY”??????? What madness do you speak, I beseech you, TELL ME! Since when was magic synonymous with trickery? I always thought that magic was the power of apparently influencing the course of events by using mysterious or supernatural forces. That’s certainly not trickery in my book (my book, by the way is Webster’s).

In my own personal life (as opposed to my public (health) life) there are 2 people that I know for certain hate magic. As I’ve stated in a previous blog, the number of friends that I have is only outweighed by the number 5. In other words, I have 4 friends. If two of those friends hate magic, then in epidemiologic terms, we’re looking at a magic hating prevalence (MHP) of close to 50%.

I’m not sure where these negative emotions are coming from. Was it The Never Ending Story perhaps? That movie has always freaked the shit out of me. But, I’m probably not a great example considering my love for magic is only outweighed by my love for beet farms. Maybe it’s something more recent like Harry Potter or the economy. Or have some of us simply lost our ability to imagine?

A great divide is developing in the world today. On one side of this chasm you’ll find those people that would like magic to never be taught to children in schools or referred to in movies and books and the like. On the other side you’ll find those of us that dream of a world filled with unicorns and dragons and potions. I know what side I’m on. Do you?
And so, go on then you non-believers. Keep thinking that hating magic is cool. But watch out, as I might just have to go all D & D on your ass.

Not even a Level 5 Protection Spell can save you from the wrath of Trex.

I welcome your questions and comments. But not your concerns.

For those of you who woke up this morning...

and were thinking that Trex and her sister were totally normally and functional...please refer to the picture below to help clear up this case of mistaken identity (and I do apologize for the Inappropriate Childhood Nudity or ICN...someone should notify the EPA or the FDA or OSHA or maybe the Forest Service, I'm not sure which one exactly).If this is not enough evidence to convince you, please consider the following points...

Common topics of conversation between Annie and T-rex:
1. Geez, when was the last time my dog bit your dog and you or me or mom had to get stitches?? It's been a while! It's always so funny when that happens though!
2. Bret, are you bulimic? No Germaine, I just want you to pay me a compliment. (Please read in a Flight of the Concords-esque kiwi accent).
3. Trex, is it okay if the house gets cleaned and the electrician is in your room around 8 AM tomorrow morning? Annie, you are the devil. The devil I say.
4. So, what's your Wi fit age??
5. ANNIE! Doesn't your set of Hostroff knives remind you of the Austrof Center from Gossip Girl??

Common Annie and T-rex activities:
1. Annie cuts off half of one of her fingers cooking some strange vegan meal. Trex scoffs silently in the background and runs into her room so she can shove 4 pieces of Rusty's pizza down her throat without Annie finding out.
2. Annie and Trex sit on the couch and silently watch Lord of the Rings. They both cry when Aragorn tells the wee hobitts that everyone should bow to them at the end of the Return of the King and not the other way around.
3. Annie and Trex quote an entire episode of the Office to each other and talk about how that show changed (saved?) their lives.
4. Annie and Trex play the popular board game "My family is more dysfunctional than yours." Naturally, they always end up tied.
5. Annie texts Trex using T9word and doesn't proofread...she mistakenly tells trex that "the old family photos are in the living room underneath the yak." Trex spends the remainder of the day worried that the family's pet yak has escaped.

Until next time,

There won't be a next time,

Yes there will, shut up,

You shut up,

Quit being a douchebag,

At least I'm not a dickweed,

Trex/Tracy