February’s Contemplations and Ruminations – Part Two

Laughing Out Loud

Question: What should you do when one of your close friends starts using “LOL” in casual text conversation?

Answer:

Sadly, this question has become very relevant to me in the past week, ever since a fellow compatriot of mine has decided that LOL-ing is the best thing to come around since kettle corn.

For now, I will allow him to remain anonymous. (I will say, however, that his initials contain the letters P, T, and S. Also, he’s one of my cousins. Whoa, I just realized that if this unnamed person married someone with the last name Dillard, his initials would become PTS-D).

This whole debacle started at 3:25PM on March 18^th, 2011 with the following conversation:

*please note that "bbming" refers to Blackberry Messaging - I guess it works long distance from Mexico

Despite my blatant disapproval, the next day it continued…

I’m not sure what it is about LOL that bothers me so much. Perhaps it’s the fact that people use it to make potentially serious statements seem ambiguously lighthearted. In a way, it’s a lack of commitment on their part. They’re not sure how the receiver of their message will feel about what they’re saying, so they throw in LOL at the end in case they need to play it off as a joke. E.g: “Susan, I’m head over heels in love with you. LOL!” This way, if Susan is like “WTF??” the entire thing can be brushed aside as a harmless ruse.

I think it also bothers me because it’s not something that I would ever say in normal speech, unlike “Oh my god” and “For your information” and “On my way” all of which are statements that I commonly acronym-ize in my textual conversations. I can’t imagine ever saying “laugh out loud” to someone in a face-to-face conversation. Instead, if someone said something that was actually funny, I would probably just laugh. On the other hand, if someone said something to me that was not really funny but intended it to be funny and I didn’t laugh but said, “laugh out loud” I think that would be pretty confusing for that person (just as this poorly written sentence is probably sort of confusing to you).

Furthermore, when someone LOL’s me via text, I’m often left wondering if they intended it as a command or if they were just describing to me what they were doing. In other words, are you telling me that I should laugh out loud right now or are you letting me know that, after carefully considering what I’ve written, you’ve decided to laugh out loud? How are you even texting and laughing at the same time? Are you doing all this while driving too?? I mean, that’s just dangerous.

If it’s the former, please stop telling me what to do. If it’s the latter, I really don’t care whether or not the people around you can hear you laugh. They probably don’t know what you’re laughing about anyway unless you’ve just read them my really funny text message. In which case, perhaps a more aptly suited acronym would be AGOUALOLAYTMRN, which translates to ‘a group of us are laughing out loud at your text message right now’. But, if you do ever receive this in a text, just be sure they’re not trying to make a reference to famed emergency room nurse, Samantha Agoualolaytm, R.N.

I’ve remained adamant in my requests that this behavior ceases. I’ve tried anger, I’ve tried pleading, I’ve even tried to confront this person using the skills I learned last semester in my interpersonal communications course* (see below). Alas, all of my efforts have been futile and the usage of LOL by this person continues to this day.

*1. Identify the behavior that you need clarification 2. present the person with two definitive reasons that might explain his or her behavior 3. finish your statement with an open-ended question like "is it something else?" to leave them room for further explanation

And so, this blog post is my last resort. You leave me no choice but to humiliate you via public forum. I do apologize to Grace as she is an innocent bystander. Although, apparently she LOL’s a lot via BBM, FYI…so perhaps she’s actually not that innocent. Now that my voice has been heard, I see this playing out in one of two ways. Either the perpetrator gets the hint and stops LOL-ing me. Or, I’ve just made my last mistake and in the months to come I’ll find myself being awoken by 3AM text messages that just say “LOL, LOL, LOL.”

IMPORTANT MESSAGE (sorry to disrupt tracy's 10 part february series)

A few of you have expressed concern as a result of most recent post. I want to state, for the record, that I have not been attacked by a mountain lion. I am safe.

On an unrelated note, I just found out that one of my acquaintances and life-long enemies (an unemployed Capricorn named M. Nagelmann) has the same amount of blog followers as I do. This makes me feel frustrated and apprehensive.

Please accept my most sincere and grateful request that you follow my blog if you don't already. Let's get these numbers up for the 2011 campaign*).

Thank you,
Moderator-at-large

*more on this to follow

Hi there! Welcome and thank you for stopping by…do you have any questions?

I often find that February is a month of deep self-reflection for me. I thought it would be pertinent and informative for the public-at-large if I documented some of this month’s ponderings.

And so, without further ado, I would like to present:

“February’s Contemplations and Ruminations – a 10 part series”

This series will be presented here in full and can also be seen in its edited form at the Santa Barbara Museum of Modern Art from February 28th to March 7th. Opening night gala and red carpet begins @7PM, Feb 28. For more information please visit www.sbmoma.org. Press contact: Mary Stuartson (805) 453-2675.

Part One.

Q: Will I be ready and able to defend myself when I am attacked by a mountain lion?

A:
For those of you that are avid hikers in the Santa Barbara Foothills, you are probably already aware that there is a 95% chance that you are going to encounter and possibly be attacked by a mountain lion at some point in your hiking career. Well, that might not be exactly true, but in public speaking that’s what we call the ‘attention getter.’ Regardless of the actual likelihood of a head to head (or should I say claw to jugular) fight with a puma, I think it’s important that you know some basic mountain lion facts and defense tips.

The absolute most important thing I can say to you is: always be aware of your surroundings. When mountain lions attack, they are usually coming at you from behind. They are often perched up in a tree or waiting for you at a rock outcropping. It is essential that you are always scoping out the trees ahead of you whilst you are on your hike (this can be done by utilizing Dan Beckman’s 3-point tree scoping triangulation technique). But looking ahead might not be enough, when I’m hiking I usually take 100 steps facing forward and then turn around and back-peddle for 25 steps. This allows me to take in a 360-degree view of the terrain I am about to cover as well as the trail behind me. Remember, a mountain lion attack is not the same as a velociraptor attack which involves 3 velociraptors (one coming at you from the front and the other two on either flank) and is basically impossible to survive. When you’re facing a mountain lion, it’s going to be a one on one type scenario that you just might be able to pull off if you’ve got your wits about you.

If you are unable to bring your pitbull with you because she is recovering from budget-breaking knee surgery, please do consider carrying a knife (a good example of an appropriate knife is pictured above). The entire time you’re hiking you should visualize yourself being attacked by a mountain lion in a variety of situations so that you are as prepared as possible. For example, let’s say you’ve just turned a blind curve on Tunnel Trail and you’re hiking on a 25º angle when all of the sudden you’re pummeled into by a 112-pound female cougar. She has pounced on you from a perch in a tree 10 meters behind you and 5 meters above you, moving at a velocity of 9.2 m/s and, by my calculations, hitting you with about 4800 lbs of force. In this case, you will most likely be knocked off of your feet and you and the mountain lion will roll and tumble for about 25 meters. These are the most crucial moments in terms of chances of survival! Because you’ve been visualizing this exact scenario, you know that you have 2 seconds to reach into your pocket, pop open your knife, and try to do as much damage as possible. Once the fight goes past this point, it’s really just up to the stars whether or not you’ll make it down the mountain alive.

By no means is it my intention to frighten you or deter you from enjoying a leisurely hike on a sunny Sunday afternoon. I’m just trying to turn you into a more aware consumer of nature. As the boy scouts always say: “Always be prepared when hiking alone in the Santa Barbara foothills – AKA the Northern Pacific Man-Eating Cougar Greenbelt.” (Their other lesser know motto is: "For christ sake, we should sell cookies too!).

(these tips are adapted from my new book – Basic Mountain Lion Defense Tips, Random House Publishing 2011®)

THIS IS ONLY A TEST (A fall on top of a fall)

Technical blogging difficulties have caused me to post what some may refer to as a "test blog." Please do excuse any inconvenience.

Incidentally, I fell off my bike today while trying to ride up a steep hill (I was clicked in and got trapped between the cement and my bike...of course I couldn't get up and there was a car coming). This happened to me once before in front of Los Banos. Compton was there, she saw it.

Dear Sir, in response to your blog...(aka, this answers so many questions)

The below post has hurt me in so many ways but also explains a lot to me about how I’m actually viewed by the outside world. I thought that my past campaigns to end prejudice against the dinosaurs still living within the confines of the U.S. borders had successfully put a stop to any anti-dinosaur sentiments still lingering in the lay community. As you have just read, however, I couldn’t be more wrong.

I would like to embark on a journey with you to explore some of the reasons why dating me may or may not be a dangerous (if not life-threatening) game. I would like to present some truths that I once held about myself (until reading the above blog 20 minutes ago) that have since been entirely negated by this propaganda campaign that was so obviously directed at me and my ‘dating life’.

[A prerequisite blog post for the following blog post can be found at this link:
http://mingle2.com/blog/view/dating-tyrannosaurus]

Before I begin, however, I feel the need to set the record straight. I just want to say that I’ve NEVER won best costume (probably because of the nonchalant attitude I always take towards Halloween that almost certainly turns to panic and distress on October 31st and leads to an expensive day-of-the-holiday trip to American apparel), I absolutely adore taking funny photo booth photos (rarely with blood on my face), my current unpaid internship would never pay for a trip to Tokyo, and my poor hand-holding skills are the result of a previous wrist injury and not due to my outlandish height. I’ll admit, the part about being bad at talking about my feelings is true but we can all agree that asteroids were a thing of the past.

Now that that’s out of the way, I will now attempt to discuss those “truths that I once held about myself:”

Part A: Superficial reasons why I think I’m still single:

1. I don’t have the best track record when it comes to personal hygiene (in other words, I’m this generations’ [person] in a van down by the river)

2. I have professional training at the graduate level but practical experience at the hostess level.

3. My nose to face ratio is about 3:1.

4. I talk a lot a game when it comes to my basketball skills and my desires to go backpacking but rarely walk the walk.

5. I’ve never successfully climbed up a rope using my arm strength only.

6. I unintentionally try to be as awkward as possible when I first meet someone that I potentially may or may not like (how’s that for a noncommittal sentence...speaking of noncommittal...see below)

Part B: Emotional and/or abstract reasons why I’m still single and/or want to be single:

1. I can up and fly to a paleontology conference in Southern Montana on a whim without having to break plans with my ‘parnter’ (nothing beats the look on those archeologists’ faces when a 30 foot tyrannosaur strolls into the room).

2. I don’t have to explain to a significant other why I’m tired today because I was up all night last night nursing a bottle of glenlivet, watching episode after episode of true blood, and eating only the streusel topping part off the coffee cake I just made earlier that evening.

3. On a scale of 1 to emotionally mature I’m about a 2.5.

4. The relationship models in my family leave something to be desired.

5. I once had a private blog with myself (you’ll know what that means) entitled: “You know you had a crappy ex-boyfriend when...” (...you've had a burrito thrown at your head for no apparent reason, etc.”

6. In my opinion, my single status is entirely appropriate whilst I’m still recovering from aforementioned “unmentionable” past occurrences (see #5).

7. I love taking physical risks (e.g. bare-foot puddle jumping in murky ponds of an unknown depth) but I’m totally terrified of taking risks that might leave me feeling emotionally vulnerable.

In conclusion...(aka, enough already!)
Before reading the now notorious ‘mingle2’ blog I had deluded myself into thinking (with the help of weeks of intensive psychotherapy) that it’s important to spend time figuring out the you in who you are before letting yourself depend on another person (and vice-versa). (Apparently I’m a school-obsessed pseudo-alcoholic with a love/hate relationship with my dog and an unhealthy obsession with the people that are obsessed with finding extraterrestrial life (e.g. SETI...look it up, it’s amazing). And hey, it’s only taken me 3.5 years of alone time to figure that shit out.

I have spent so much time convincing myself of the reasons why the above reasons are valid explanations as to why I am a GF with no BF when in actuality this anti-Trex blog has been circulating for over two years with an untold readership completely unbeknownst to yours truly. All those times I met someone new and excitedly said; “Hey I’m Trex but some people call me Tracy” instead of thinking to themselves “hmm, well that’s interesting. A dinosaur! I’ve never met a dinosaur but would really like to get to know her for who she is and not what she is” they were actually thinking about the 9 reasons they shouldn’t date me. How’s that for a glass dating ceiling.

And so, the moral of this incredibly long-winded blog is...
If you too are a long time singler (LTS) that’s ready to get back into the dating game (DG*)...stop wasting your time with self-reflection mumbo jumbo or half-hearted attempts at improving your interpersonal skills and instead spend at least 4-5 hours a day sitting on your laptop scouring the internet for over-generalized blog posts that are possibly directed at a person of your similar stature. Only then will you be able to move on and a find true happiness.

Sincereley,
Trex (and proud to be one)

*not to be confused with the popular Santa Barbara coffee shop the Daily Grind. Although, based on the amount of attractive, pseudo-hipster, and yet possibly single people that frequent this establishment (unless, of course they forgot to bring any cash) it is a possible conduit for your return the dating game

Proposed New July 17th Holiday

I’d like to make a motion to officially change July 17th from “World Day for International Justice” to “World Day for Sending Text Messages without Fixing Awkward Phone-Induced Auto-Corrects.”

(or WDSTMFAPIAC for short…but not to be confused with World Day for Stopping Terrorists from Manifesting Frightening Attacks on People in Asian Countries which is on April 7th)

It has been one year to the day (give or take a few months) since my venerable sister, Annie Quail*, sent me the infamous ‘the photo albums are in the living room underneath the yak’ message that sent me into a panic searching for yak that was not in the living room when I checked and thus had obviously wandered off. Annie’s inability and unwillingness to spell check her text messages has caused me more grief and mental strife than I care to admit. However, in an attempt to be a bit more of a positive and accepting person, I’d like to create this holiday in order to recognize the humor that these so-called mis-texts can sometimes create rather than dwell on the pain.

(Incidentally, even the ‘yak’ text had a happy ending as it resulted in Annie’s and my realization that a yak was just what we were missing in our lives. We ended up obtaining a yak last August…her name is Alicia and she’s a bit of an aggressive eater but otherwise an acceptable companion...a Samwise Gamgee of our day, if you will.)

So, please join me in the celebration of this new and important holiday (justice smustice!) by submitting your favorite auto-corretcted missed texts to me by this evening at 11:59PM. Winners will be announced via blimp message.

Proper format is as follows:

1. Intended text: “Hey Annie, what are you and baby up to today?”

2. Auto-corrected/sent text: “Hey Annie, what are you and Beverley up to today?”

3. Your emotional response: This made me feel happy and also curious about when I was going to meet Annie’s new friend Beverely.

I thank you for your consideration and timely response.


*names have been changed to protect Annie Chase’s anonymity

This Hiatus Ends Now/Six Blogs-in-Progres for your Reveiw

I deftly apologize for my inconsiderate blogging break. I've just returned from a long journey abroad during which time I was unable to access the internet.

I'm not ready to jump right back into things but here are some possible blogs that I may tentatively be working on in the near to distant future.

Any feedback will be negated and/or ignored.

1. honestly, your dance moves are really getting in the way of my tetris-playing/why can't every night end with a grand slam breakfast at denny's?

2. tips on riding your scooter after minor surgery

3. in addition to being an avid (pathological?) birdwatcher, turns out my uncle geoff is also an adept Somalian scam artist

4. my love for robert pattinson is starting to affect my job performance

5. i've decided to run for governor of california in November...your financial and emotional support in the coming months would be greatly appreciated (please visit www.trex2010/worlddomination.com to pledge your support...paypal accepted)

6. Do it yourself yardwork with Lidia and Tracy: this week we'll show you how to build a garden box and re-brick your outdoor barbecue pit


Thank you,
Tracy